I often find it extremely difficult to say no. So I’ll do an exercise to rehearse the simple N-O. No, no, no, no, NO, NO, NOOOOOOOOOOO.
Okay. Doesn’t seem so difficult but in an effort to help/satisfy some personal ego trip about being a superhero or to genuinely provide some assistance where I think I might be helpful I say, “yes” or maybe or “yes and let’s connect”.
Often times I am able to deliver before deadline and exceed expectations. But then there are times when the stars don’t align lol, and a ball gets dropped and NO I am not a doctor, a lawyer, hell not even a service woman, security guard. but for the sake of being frank isht get’s real very quickly.
I am NOT tasked with saving lives, bringing lives into the world, no those responsiblities are not mine to bear but, when a deadline is missed or a promise “broken” where does that leave me? I’ve found that even with explanation or apologies, I am the not so proud recipient of a barage of passive aggressive retorts via e-mails or my favorite calls of the “are you dead?” variety. Depending on the age of the personwho is disappointed, even directly insulted down right rude, direct attacks or simply a snub when next we are together.
Many sleepless nights, in my tiny Brooklyn apartment working silently as my pet Shih Tzu, Bella sleepily gazes at me periodically, and likely wonders why the heck I keep pacing back and forth at 3, 4, 5am. I work, I write I follow-up, I coach, I encourage, I ask, I beg I comment on things. I prepare for an enslaught of e-mails at work and then a barage of calls after work mostly in the name of service or so I thought.
I write this post to talk about the grey and often murky waters of being capable and having a willing heart, or maybe overcommiting because I don’t yet understand how to avoid that pitfall or perhaps just to cleanse my pallet after an unpleasant meeting last evening. Unpleasant to say the very least but clearly a tipping point because I needed to get this off my chest!
All of that might and intent and good positive vibrations doesn’t always meet the mark.
I intend whole heartedly to get the balance right. I intend to give as often as I am humanly capable of doing and even when met with utter criticism or unconstructive feedback I will continue to forge ahead.
I will say that I am not of the forgiving variety and perhaps that makes all the difference in my ability to process “why” people do things. I sincerely believe that there are beautiful, amazing people with warm orange souls(if I had to assign a soul a colour) , and sometimes they need a “pass”, or a second chance or just a restart button and then magic happens. I see life through a pretty fluid lens and that perhaps is one of my fatal flaws.
It is NOT easy. – I don’t take the easy route..ever. It is isolating and mostly annoying because it feels like another emotional hurdle to compartmentalize, process and dissipate before I can focus my energies back to the ball juggling at hand.
I relent and release this.
I bow down and respect that I am still a work in progress.